18 years old in love.. 20 years old paranoid schizophrenia

there are times that you go crazy thinking that the one you love doesn't love you anymore.
that he belongs now to someone else..

 there are times that you do nothing but curse life because you think you deserve better than what you have..

there are times that your leaving your responsibility behind, because you are thinking that you should do what ever you want..

there are times that you hate all the people around you.. just because you always want to be correct..

there are times that you get mad because you want all your plan be followed. whatever happens.

there are times that you get paranoid because you're thinking that you aren't beautiful like other girls in the city, that the one you love will replace you because of that.

there are times that you dream, but no one supports you..

there are times that you want to express what you feel but you're incorrect..

there are times that you cry, you want to shout, you get jealous.. cause you're in love..

there are times that you want to let go cause you think he deserves better than you..

there are times that you just want to go to  a place where no one knows you..

there are times that you hate yourself for hurting the one you love.

there are times your lonely..

there are times you feel so alone cause you dont have someone else to talk but the one you love, but he is not around..

there are times that you will ask for rose.. but you get thorns..

there are times that you dream, you cry and want to die..

there are times that you rush things, want to get married, cause your afraid of losing him..

there are times that you walk away, want to go home alone, but after a few minutes you will back to his arms and just surrender cause you dont know the way home..

there are times that you give up and ask for break up.. but in the end you will say sorry.. cause you know that you cant leave without him..

there are times that you hold hand and reminisce the day that you meet.

all the pain go away, when he kiss you and embrace you in spite  of the worst person inside of you..

all the hesitations go away at the end of the day knowing you are s in love with a perfect man..

#iloveyou so much david jonathan nueva espana#im so sorry for everything#thanks for loving me even at my worst#

sulat ng patawad.

isang nakakapagod na araw.

yung pakiramdam na physically pagod ka na, mentally, emotionally, spritually. yung pakiramdam na gusto mo nang mamatay kasi hindi ka na masaya.. nakakapanghina. higit sa lahat yung pakiramdam na gusto mo nang iwan yung taong mahal mo kasi nasaktan mo sya ng todo-todo.. nakakalito.. kalaban mo pa sarili mo..

nakakainis yung mga oras na sobrang galit ka, na hindi mo na alam masasakit na pala yung sinasabe mo.
yung mga oras na sobrang nagkakasakitan na kyo, na parang tumigil na ang oras sa parte na yun.. nakakainis yung hindi mo na kilala sarili mo kasi iniisip mo bakit mo nagagawa yun e hindi ka naman tlga ganun.

masakit masaktan ng pisikal. yung sampalin ka ng halos matanggal na mukha mo sa sakit, yung sakalin ka, masakit yun.. pero masakit yung alam mong yung taong nanakit sayo nasasaktan ka gawa ng mga salitang nabibitawan mo. mas masakit yun. mas masakit yung pakiramdam na nasasaktan mo yung taong mahal na mahal mo.

nakakapanghina pag yung taong mahal na mahal mo nakikita mong umiiyak, wala sa sarili, paulit ulit nyang binabanggit lahat ng mga salitang nabitawan mo na masasakit. malungkot. sobrang lungkot. parang pakiramdam mo sasabog yung isip mo, puso mo at yung pakiramdam  na parang kaluluwa ka nalang na ligaw.

at pagkatapos ng ganun sandali, maiisip mong mali lahat yun.. manghihingi ka ng patawad sa lahat ng salitang nabitawan mo. pero para san pa, nasabe mo na.. kahit sabihin mong galit ka lang kaya mo nasabe yun..  para san pa nasaktan mo na sya.. pano kung sobrang bait sayo ng taong yun, walang inisip kundi maging perpekto ang relasyon nyo.. hindi nya dapat nararanasan na masaktan.. mahirap..

pagtigil ng oras.. tapos na ang bagyo.. wala na yung ulap.. andaming nawala.. ang hirap bumangon.. yung pakiramdam na nakakailang.. nakakahiya.. yung pakiramdam na gusto mo na muna lumayo.. hanggang makalimutan mo lahat ng nangyari... nakakapanghinayang..  nakakalungkot.. nakakapagsisi..

tama sila, kapag galit ka.. hanggat maaari wag na wag ka mag bibitaw ng salita........
kasi mas masakit pag yung taong mahal mo nasaktan mo dahil sa mga salitang nabitawan mo...

hugot!

"nakakawala talaga ng tiwala sa sarili kung di mo magawa ang isang bagay kung san ka masaya"

minsan naisip ko dati okay lang kahit di mo gusto yung ginagawa mo importante nagkakapera ka, kumikita ka, at the end of the month may aasahan kang darating na pera sayo, yung tipong pag pinasok mo yung atm mo sa atm machine parang isang magic na pagkatapos mo pumindot ng ilang numbers may lalabas nalang bigla na pera! sarap sa pakiramdam. pagkatapos ng ganung sandali balik ka na naman sa normal na buhay mo, ibig kong sabihin ang araw-araw na ginagawa mo..

kelangan mong maging masipag kasi pag di ka pumasok wala kang kikitain sa isang araw. pano nalang kung may mga pinagkakagastusan ka, pano kung naguupa ka ng bahay, mahihilo ka pag dating ng panahon na wala ng lumalabas sa atm mo. di mo alam ngayon kung san ka huhugot ng dapat hugutin. kahit cgro yugyugin mo pa ang atm machine wala ng lalabas jan. nakakatrauma yung ganung pang yayari eh!

kaya kahit gano kahirap at kahit gano hindi mo kagusto yung ginagawa mo wala kang magagawa.. ganun ba yun?  kasi kelangan mo yun, pero kung di mo yung kelangan gawin, gagawin mo kaya  yun? napag isip isip ko mas masarap gawin yung bagay na gusto mo, kasi di ka mag sasawa, di ka tatamarin kahit hindi masyadong malaki yung kita basta masaya ka dun ka makakahugot ng lakas, at tiwala sa sarili mo na kaya mo labanan kahit anong mangyari. madami ka rin matututunan.


mahirap mag makaawa sa sarili mong gawin ang isang bagay na ayaw mo naman nang gawin, maraming maapektuhan, isa na roon ang kasiyahan mo. ang pagiging kuntento. ang tiwala mo sa sarili. kung san naniniwala akong maikli lang ang buhay.. maraming pwedeng mangyari sa loob ng isang minuto.. para saken ang importante masaya ka.. kasi sa langit di mo alam kung magagawa mo pa ang bagay na gusto mong gawin, masama pa nito di mo talaga alam kung sa langit ka nga ba mpupunta....

ikaw. anong pumipigil sayo para di gawin ang gusto mo? napag isip isip mo na ba kung kilala mo pa ang sarili mo? :)

time machine

"i didnt exactly know what happened, i wasnt even there, im not the one you hurt, but those memories still present, feels like you and her, still existing. but you said its over, (sigh).i just cant fully imagine, when i think about that love affair. damn! perfectly made. and i feel you are now living in hell.. shh.. listen to me. count 1,2,3 see about me, breath.......look in to my eye.... from today... i call you a LIAR!

i wanna run, i wanna cry, but who the hell am i? please don't answer, you might think the wrong one.. i was able to gather everything through the curiosity in my mind, you said many times you cared, i cared, i cared... until now that feeling is still existing and i cant believe all you said before, you told me, i cant no longer remember her face, her looks her sweetness, what ever.. no... it's shattered, but why? last cold night, you were able to discuss all the procedure, lucky she was, she's still remembered. and i hate it cause im getting insecure..

 a faint relationship because of that simple routine. in reality we really dont have problems, but you cant understand, i dont understand. you trust. i doubt, not us but the people around us, the world wants to play with us, and im afraid of being defeated, what if the destiny went to the wrong way? where the hell is the edge of glory? i can see you dying, i can see what will happened, i should be afraid starting today but why i cant understand how i feel???

 pls. just dont leave, i am not emotional im just really crazy.. i can be silly. quietly i will love you forever, what ever happened it doesnt matter.. i will smile with a blood on my face. i will steal all your confidence.. il take away your happiness, and build my own strategy, il buy clouds for you, il suspend rainy season without due, il take all the punishment of this world, il be a shadow with different  colors depends on your mood.

would you buy me, il truly be your lady, il bring out the worst in you.. il not let you feel a shining armor..   take me now, c'mon take everything.. walk on a single rope, use it as your bridge, imagine a the end ill be there singing with joy and happiness, and your wish please?? you will answer time machine to correct everything. and you successfully awaken me today.. i beg.. im sorry, i cant change my self immediately, i want you to love me. and il burn that city one, two and three!

 

Multiple Rejections

i just remember.....

i just had an appointment today, i went to a place of judgement. i woke up early, fixed my self but forgot to pray..i brought all the necessary things that would be needed, checked my favorite bag and smile the sweetest way that i can.

ride a jeep... sigh... nervous? yes. but why? not enough confidence. but keep going.. no time for hesitations either..

in the destination when i arrived.. i was lost with confusions.. i look to the left, i look to the right.. i found my self shaking.. damn.. i hate this feeling..

someone asked me.. who are you and where you from?.. i answered, "dreams". he laugh and said: you are one.. and i just smiled.. i tried to hide the gravity feeling, i tried to make myself singing and while drown in the middle of happiness a voice interrupted: "hey! it's your time".

Pulang Preym ng Salamin

" hanging nakakanginig"

Natapos na naman ang isang buong araw na nakakapgod, nakakapagod mag isip, nakakapagod ang ibat ibang posisyon ng paghiga para lang mapatulog ang sarili. nakakapagod tamarin..

Naisip ko bakit nga ba ako tinatamad? buong araw kong hinanap ang sagot hanggang sa gabi na. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kong bakit, pkiramdam ko paikut ikot nalang ako sa loob ng bilog kakahanap ng sagot. Paikut ikot lang, pero di ko namamalayan na habang tumatagal ang oras kakaisip ko kung bakit, onti onting nawawalan ng direksyon ang buhay ko..

Hanggang dumating ang gabi, isang tao ang nakasama ko. Tumambay kami sa isang lugar, hanggang sa nag kwentuhan. Hanggang sa tinanong nya ako kung bakit ako tinatamad? sinabe ko lahat ng dahilan, kasi masama pakiramdam ko. wala na akong ganang pumasok. pinaliwanag ko ang sistema ng kompanya na nakakainis, kagaya ng kung may sakit ka kelagan mo munang pumunta sa klinik para macheck up ka at sabihin sayo ng doctor na kelangan mo ng umuwi para mag pahinga, ,maganda sanang proseso yun, kaso hihintayin muna ng doktor makita na naghihingalo ka bago ka pauwiin, medyo nakakapikon.

ISIP ISIP DIN..

Bakit kelangan parating sineseryoso ang mga bagay..

Minsan nakakatawa isipin na kelangan mong magisip ng husto para lang masabe na napakatalino mo, kelangan mong seryosohin ang mga bagay bagay sa mundo, at pag sinaksak mo na sa isipan mo na kelangan mong maging napakatalino, mag sisimula ka nang maging isang malupet na henyo, sa isip sa salita at sa gawa.. 

Andyan na yung tipong pag nagsalita ka at nagbigay ng reaksyon tungkol sa ekonomiya ng bansa, halos lahat ng tao sasabihin sayo,” wow! Ikaw na.. galing”..  andyan na yung magiging hilig mo na ang mga laro na ginagamitan ng utak.  Hanggan sa di ka na makausap ng matino.. kung sa iskul, ikaw na ang sasabihin nilang walking and talking dictionary..  magaling! kadalasan pa nga ikaw na ang lider sa klase.. siguro sa lahat maliban lang kung san pwedeng  mag inuman..